Apparently, my stupid online journal has turned into nothing more than a collection of pointless rants. Oh well. On to my next societal lament.
In recent blog posts, I have addressed epidemics which take place every day on our sidewalks, in our hallways, and everywhere else pedestrians roam. These endemics are known as The Awareness-Lackers Epidemic and The Camera Epidemic. Well, today, my children, I bring to the forefront of your minds yet another outbreak of human stupidity that has been sweeping the nation; one that takes place in our streets. I call it, “The Stoplight Epidemic.”
There you are, in your car, stopped at a red light. You gaze over to find that the car in the next lane is also stopped in observance of said red light. But something is awry. There appears to be some sort of imaginary obstruction located between said car and the car in front of it resulting in an unnecessarily large gap in the road. You’re forced to ask yourself, “How could this be? How could someone be so absent that they don’t realize that the room left between the two cars would be sufficient enough to land a small Cessna? Why aren’t they pulling forward? Why waste such precious road space?” I’ve pondered these questions often and can only come up with three possible explanations:
- The driver is preoccupied. Maybe she is texting, fudging with the radio, or filing her toenails. Although this may seem to be a valid explanation, I find this to be the case only about 30% of the time. Typically the driver appears to be fully aware of what she is doing, having two hands on the wheel and both eyes on the road.
- The driver is being overly and annoyingly cautious. These are the same people that bubble wrap their kids and carry industrial strength hand sanitizer with them at all times.
- The third and most likely reason for this inexcusable behavior is that the individual is A HORRIBLE DRIVER AND NOBODY LOVES THEM!!
What’s even more disturbing is when the driver is accompanied by an equally absent-minded passenger who either lacks the balls to tell the driver to pull forward or the intelligence to realize that the driver obviously does not know how to properly and safely operate a motor vehicle.
I know what you’re thinking. “Who cares, Ryan? How does this affect you or anyone else on the road?” Oh, you naive soul.
Imagine the following scenario.
You’re enjoying a relaxing day at the park with a friend, when all of a sudden, she is brutally attacked by a swarm of bees resulting in numerous stings. It gets worse. She’s allergic to bees! At this point, you have mere minutes to react and save her life. Luckily – or so you think – there’s a hospital just minutes down there road. You rush her to your car and quickly make your way down the road. You approach your final right turn before reaching the hospital.
Damn. Red light.
No worries though, because this intersection is equipped with a separate right-turn-only lane and there is no “No Turn On Red” sign in sight. You flip on your signal and approach the turn lane only to find that it’s being blocked by a car which happens to be stopped two full car lengths behind the car in front of it!
You honk your horn endlessly, but to no avail. The car blocking the turn lane won’t budge and the light still remains red. You’d maneuver your way around the car by briefly driving on the sidewalk, but your piece-of-shit compact sedan is too small to scale the tall curb. So you wait for what feels like hours for the light to finally turn green, at which point the car in front of you slowly rolls forward as if to spite you for your excessive honking. You finally make the turn, pull into the nearby hospital parking lot, only to hear your passenger make one last gasp for air before going limp.
She is dead.
If only the car at the red light would have pulled forward a few feet so you could make the turn and get your friend to the hospital so she could receive the medical attention she so desperately needed. But it’s too late. And now, the driver of that car at the red light, who is technically responsible for the death of your friend, drives away scot-free.
That’s right, folks. These Stoplight Epidemic contributors are murderers. They must be stopped. Luckily, there is a way that, together, we can extinguish this wildfire of stoplight stupidity.
We must shame these savages. We must honk at stare angrily at them for as long as it is safe to do so. We must pull our cars in front of them into the space they have left open, even if it is inconvenient for us, just to teach them a lesson (this method of shaming is a bit passive aggressive, but it is effective). We must tailgate these people so closely that they have no choice but to pull forward for fear of being involved in a fender bender (I assume most of them don’t have car insurance and would rather avoid an accident if at all possible).
Don’t let these monsters cause the death of another bee sting victim. Are you with me?!